Chap. 2 — When Grace Walks Through Fire
Even in the darkest hours, unseen hands weave a tapestry of light.
The terror began in 2011, about two months after I attended a Congress on Illumination in Tucson, Arizona. Several hundred people had gathered for the event that had been held every year in August for 25 years—a spiritual gathering I’d wanted to attend for years.
During one of the meditations, with my eyes closed, I felt the presence of a man standing before me. He wore a cowboy hat, held a clipboard and pen. Even with my eyes shut, I saw him extend the clipboard toward me. Curious, I accepted it and looked at the sign-up sheet. There were no words—no clear indication of what I was agreeing to. I paused, uncertain. Then came a calming thought: "I’ve been following Patricia Cota-Robles for 25 years. I trust the energy she brings to these Congresses." With that, I signed the sheet.
What happened next made even less sense. Still with eyes closed, I reached behind me and handed the clipboard to someone seated there—then faced forward again.
Months later, when the terror came—and I heard the strange inner message, “You’re burning off the dross,”—I often wondered: "Is this what I signed up for?"
I’ll never know for certain. But the thought brought a strange comfort. Maybe it was all part of something larger.
There’s one more piece of truth I need to add here.
At the time of the Congress, and for years before, I had been taking antidepressants, not for depression but for anxiety. Each morning during that gathering, when I took my pill, I felt split—like I was living in two worlds. One world was deeply spiritual, vibrating with light and devotion. The other, anchored in my body, needed medication to function. And I remember thinking: Which one is my real world?
At that time, I didn’t believe there was space for both. I’ve since learned—I was wrong.
When I returned home from Tucson, my decision came easily. I stopped taking the medication. Over the next six weeks, I felt better and better. I began to wonder if I had truly stepped into something new.
And then, one day, the terror began.
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